First nightmare, a food safari, and single again

11:30pm bedtime.

“Alienation Nightmare” © 1996 by Sabu

3:45am – I am in bed watching an engrossing but creepy documentary. It begins mildly enough, but in the first few minutes it becomes apparent that this is not a pleasant video. There is cerebral violence and profound sadness here. I had put this DVD in to watch while following along with a manuscript, which I had in my hand, and in my own handwriting.

The details of the DVD are hazy now, but there is a lot of strong and dark emotion, and my notes, of course, coincide with that same dark theme. As the DVD plays and I read along intently, Teresa comes in, apparently having been talking to other loved ones outside about me. She is concerned about the content of the DVD and about my state of mind.

I point to a place in the manuscript of significant emotional anguish, and I tell her that I am not ready to let go of these feelings. Besides, I have no choice. It’s all here in the script. It’s all here in my life. I can’t escape it. I realize that the manuscript is my dream journal, and the DVD is a recording of my dreams.

This is a nightmare, the first recalled since I began writing my dream journal. I realize, too, that it is a movie I have seen played before in previous dreams. I am drawn to it. Morbidly riveted, actually.

I want to scream aloud to relieve my soul of the bottled feelings, but in doing so I know it will harm those around me, causing frightful confusion. They would never understand. Teresa leaves the room, sympathetic and understanding. She understands. She always understands. I release a huge silent scream of pain. My spine tingles with ice cold terror. This is a lonely journey, I realize. Sometimes terrifying.

[Major life changes are difficult, like divorce and leaving your children at an early age to be raised primarily by your ex and whomever she chooses to remarry. So much regret now that they are grown. This dream is a reflection of that regret, the fear of damage I have done, and for just being slow to commit to the hard work of transformation.]

I am now near a mall, walking on a sidewalk with shops to my right and a small thru-street to my left. I am rejuvinated, joyful, and happy. No weight of the world, no heaviness of heart, no feeling of deep sadness. I am carrying my dream journal.

Two dream characters, whom I am familiar with in real life [Ryan and his partner, David] pull up in their car. David is the passenger. I ask David if he would journal with me, so that I have someone to keep me motivated and accountable. Journaling is hard work, and it takes a great commitment to do it consistently and authentically.

“I would be delighted to write,” David said, “But my journal will be about politics.”

I am happy to hear that he will start to journal too. I am in such a great mood.

The car begins to pull away from the curb when I yell, “Stop!…”

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

“…. in the name of love… before you break my heart….” They laugh and drive away as I sing and tap my fingers to the motown beat. [I know these dream characters in waking life from my involvement with community theatre, so breaking out in song is not necessarily an odd thing to do.]

I am walking around several stores inside the mall complex, the last is a cosmetic store with four glass walls. [Teresa works at a cosmetic store in waking life, so that’s why they have ended up in my dreams, no doubt.] After a few minutes of pacing from one side to the other, I realize I cannot find an exit door. I am starting to feel claustrophopic in this rectagular glass box. Then, the clerk behind the counter, noticing my anxiety, reaches over and slides the door open for me. I thank her and leave.

Teresa is here. I am so glad to see her. She tells me she wants to go to two stores, both of which are upstairs. The clerk of one, another cosmetic store, was rude to her on the phone and refused to let her speak to a manager. She wants to find the manager and talk in person.

Here’s the challenge. Both stores are upstairs, and the only way to get up there is to cross a huge river of vegetable casserole and scale a wall, upstream, through of cascading fall of grean bean and potato soup. I make it across the casseroles to the soup falls without getting my shoes dirty, but this is where Teresa must go alone. I am not as motivated to go with her upstairs now.

Teresa, is covered in food as she attempts to hoist herself, amidst the opposing force of falling chunks of creamy potato and herb-laden green beans. She is a real mess, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I just watch in wonder.

[In waking life, Teresa is all about enjoying the journey of life. I tend to hold back with tentative reserve, while she just dives in and enjoys the adventure.]

7am – I am walking in an alley with a dream character that I don’t know. [I think she is a hybrid of several single women I dated when my fiance lived in Los Angeles, most of whom had children from a previous relationship.] I put my arm on her shoulder and realize that this is the beginning of our relationship. Her daughter comes running up from behind us and holds my hand. I sense that this DC (dream character) girlfriend is shy and nervous.

We make it to DCGF’s house, and by this time I am holding her sleeping child in my arms. DCGF’s parents are there, lying on the floor, apparently waiting for us to get home. I ask if DCGF’s daughter needs a nap.

“You’re so old fashioned,” she answers. “Kids don’t nap anymore.”

There is also a massive manhunt in the neighborhood. Police sirens are sounding, and the neighborhood kids are all outside, shooting each other with airsoft gunfire. Apparently there are fugitives hiding in one of the nearby houses.

[My fiance and I have been discussing, in waking life, the option of either having children of our own or adopting. I had a vasectomy after having four children during my first marriage. My age and the length of time since my vasectomy are factors that will affect the likelihood of success. Teresa has never been pregnant, and we would like to try for a baby. I have been doing research on vasectomy reversals, which has given me some anxiety. This is probably the reason I still dream, from time to time, about the thought of marrying someone who already has children of their own. All in all, I have no apprehension about my decision to begin this stage of life with Teresa. I will go with her to the ends of the world.]

Dreamsign Catalogue:

1. Inner awareness (0/4)

2. Action (4/15)

• I had put this DVD in to watch while following along with a manuscript, which I had in my hand, and in my own handwriting.
• I release a huge silent scream of pain.
• After a few minutes of pacing from one side to the other, I realize I cannot find an exit door. I am starting to feel claustrophopic in this rectagular glass box.
• DCGF’s parents are there, lying on the floor, apparently waiting for us to get home.

3. Form (2/14)

• I realize that the manuscript is my dream journal, and the DVD is a recording of my dreams.
• …and the only way to get up there is to cross a huge river of vegetable casserole and scale a wall, upstream, through of cascading fall of grean bean and potato soup.

4. Context (0/12)

Diagnostic value of dreams

The Iroquois, among other indeginous peoples, believed that anyone not in touch with their dreams were not in touch with their soul. I am fascinated with the idea that dreams are a window into this “soul world”, or subconscious plane. (I use soul and subconscious interchangeably).

I have learned from experience and through psychology and self-help studies that the outcomes or results of our lives, which make up our life situation, are born from actions and behaviors, which in turn, originate from our subconscious beliefs about ourselves and our world. In other words, our souls drive us. If our dream states have anything to teach us about this powerful inner world that conducts the major portion of the work of attracting and repelling things into and from our lives, this could be one more tool in our belt for self improvement.

In the Bible, dreams were held in great esteem. Joseph was a dreamer, and he could interpret accurately the dreams of the Pharaoh. Here’s a thought: what if Pharaoh was a lucid dreamer? Would he have been better equipped to interpret his own dreams? Who knows his mind better than himself? Joseph no doubt took context clues from Pharaoh’s life situation, and related his dreamscapes to these waking realities. Can we not do the same today?

Why did I dream of my son as a 2-year-old the other night? Possibly because last month we got into a pretty heated conflict about me leaving him when I divorced his mom, and he is still not over it. Now at almost 20 years old, he feels he was cheated by losing his father in the house. And I feel guilt. Therefore, I dream of my son as a baby, and how wonderful it would be to start again.

Why did I dream of Chris the photographer being angry about not getting paid? Because she is photographic my upcoming wedding, and her fee is still in my pocket. Granted, the wedding is a month and a half away, but it’s on my mind to pay her.

Freud said that dreams are tools for wish fulfillment and conflict resolution. But what if there’s more to it? What if our dreams give us hints to the deeper meaning of our lives (through diagnosing our beliefs about ourselves)? Now, meaning is subjective and is assigned based on our personality, desires, social/religious paradigm, etc. It seems to me that this is all the more reason why dream work is a valid and beneficial tool for discovering unconscious desires and habits as well as the conditions in which we find ourselves. Does this not lead us toward the highest work of humankind– to improve, to grow, to self-actualize?

Given the gravity and emphasis that the ancients put on dreams, it seems to me they have at least as much meaning as waking life, albeit mysterious.

 

SIDE NOTE: My fiancé and I paid Chris this week for her services as our wedding photographer. She was in a poor mood, just as she had been in my dream. This could possibly reveal that, like my prediction about Teresa eating Frito’s yesterday, I had an unconscious realization that Chris would be in a bad mood. Or it could be coincidental.

Keeping a dream journal

One of the first things LaBerge directs the student of oneironautics in Chapter 2 of his book, Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming, is to start a dream journal.

The purpose of this is to become more adept at dream recall and more familiar with the composition of your dream states. He mentions that knowing and recognizing “dreamsigns” will be of use when you learn the lucid dream inducing techniques in later chapters (which I plan to discuss in this blog in the days and weeks ahead).

Years ago, I read a book on astral projection by John Magnus and used his method of journaling my dreams with a great deal of success. One thing that stuck with me was that he suggested when first waking up, don’t open your eyes or move your body. (LaBerge mentions not moving your body but doesn’t specifically mention not opening your eyes. Although this can be deduced since eye lids are parts of the body, it was of significant help to me not to have any visual stimulation while trying to recall the dream). So, without moving or looking at anything, think about what you were just dreaming, and reconstruct as much as you can. It helps to work backward. Once you piece together everything you can recall, then open your eyes, grab your pen and paper, and jot it down.

Source: http://compucentro.info/blog/csc/journal-examples.html

This blog will suffice as my dream journal, a resource page for my blog readers, as well as my exploration of the various materials I personally interact with, including books, the Internet, videos, etc. If you are interested in starting a dream journal, you can click here, or if you are interested in reading an online dream journal, click here or here. (I found these by doing a Google search).

One final thing to discuss. “Dreamsigns” are those strange happenings in dreams that should signal you to the fact that you are indeed dreaming. In your journal, it is a good idea, according to LaBerge, to underline those signs, and categorize them.

Once you have collected several dreams, re-read each dream journal entry, and write in the margins beside each underlined dreamsign one of 4 words: inner, action, form, context. These are the 4 ways in which dreamsigns will appear.

Inner (Inner awareness) – when you have a thought that is not consistent with waking life. Example: “When I found the door locked, I ‘wished’ it open.”

Action – when you experience yourself, someone else, or an object performing an action that is not consistent with waking life. Example: “I’m riding home on a unicycle.”

Form – when you, someone else, an object, or the setting takes a form that is not consistent with waking life. Example: “I see a tiny purple kitten.”

Context – when the place, role, time, or situation is just not consistent with waking life. Example: “My bed was in the street.”

At the end of each dream, tally the number of times each dreamsign occurs within each category. Keep a running tally of the total number in each category for your entire journal. When you have enough dreamsigns catalogued, start paying attention to the category with the most “hits”. (Read my dream journal for examples in this blog). This will be your focus in dreams to come as you begin using induction techniques to go lucid.